The Hate That Held Me Back

Amano Christian School was the place that first helped me realize my hate for the Lord Jesus and all His work. The malice was hidden so deep within me; it would make my skin crawl having to open a Bible. I hated God and was blind to sin.

That is - until I discovered Him for myself.

I was born in Zambia, a little country in southern Africa. For a while now, my country has been the only African nation to declare its national religion officially as Christian. It is not a surprise to hear someone state rather piously “Zambia is a Christian nation.” The phrase is often used to justify our distaste towards any unorthodox practice as well as to defend our religious standing.

There are tens of thousands of churches in my country. I am a member in one of the larger churches where my mother is also very active. When the church celebrated the roofing of our new building, I was the one sitting in the background rolling my eyes at every “It was all Him!” and “He provides.” By the twelfth "amen" I had my cheap headsets on, waiting to go home.

Atheism is unheard of; you don’t get the choice of being a Christian. You just are one. As a result, I had questions about Christianity that I was told not to ask and practices I had to participate in such as church confirmation and baptism. If I just attended and did as I was told, I was fine – I was a ‘good Christian’. Nobody cared what happened afterward, and I saw freedom in that.

I only agreed to join Amano Christian School as a daytime student to avoid going to a boarding school far away. Everything changed my first day there, and it all started with a thirteen year old boy’s question: “Are you a Christian?”

It was right after our teacher had excused us for break time. I was talking to one of my female classmates about our likes and dislikes when a group of boys came up to us. Looking at him as if he were brain dead, I thought it was the dumbest question I had ever been asked.

Of course, I was a Christian! Everyone is Christian!

I was desperate to make a good impression, so I limited my answer to a quiet, “Yes.”

He then asked, “Why?”

My face couldn’t hide my distaste.

“I don’t know, isn’t everyone?” Did I need a reason to be a Christian?

Very quickly the boys called me out. Suddenly, I wasn’t a Christian. At the time I was fuming and was left embarrassed, alone and confused.

It didn’t take long before everyone knew – or at least that is the way it felt. Whenever I got asked “the question,” which surprisingly happened a lot at a Christian school, someone would answer for me.

After this incident, I decided I didn’t want a God whose kids called me out like that. I didn’t want to go to heaven. I hated the God my mother loved. At the time, I thought Satan offered pleasure, relief and acceptance while God brought pain, tears and fear.

Who then was the devil?

Prior to my salvation, I created a place away from both God and Satan, wanting nothing to do with either of them. In hindsight, this is when I began understanding the Lord God was speaking to me. If not in class devotions or in school assemblies, I would hear testimonies and words of encouragement from the people around me.

In my second term of grade 8, I began meeting with a teacher to talk about God. The God I hated. This teacher knew I was not saved and in a bad place with God, yet three days a week he would meet and pray for me.

In the third term of that school year, the Lord brought the Furnishes to me. Miss Lukundo (Mrs. Furnish was called Miss Lukundo before she married and is still called this afterwards) was placed as our class teacher.

I admit I was scared to see God. I was scared of what the Bible would tell me or if I would understand and be able to change. Every Tuesday I would go to her house, open my Bible and I would try to see God. Sometimes we would read whole chapters and other days no more than two verses. I was encouraged to meditate on the words and ask the questions I couldn’t ask before. Slowly, I began seeing God in everything.

It wasn’t a quick transformation. In all honesty, I think I’m one of the slower learners, but eventually God’s life became more evident around me. The questions I had were being answered and I knew there was a living God somewhere in this world.

Later Miss Lukundo encouraged me to take a close look at sin. The sin I often overlooked as an extension of being human. When I did, I saw that Satan never offered pleasure; rather he brought lust and hatred. No relief, just constant addiction to the things he leads you to believe are good. I truly was never free. I was a slave to sin just as it says in Romans 6:16. I saw myself for who I really was - dead!

This is the point where Mr. Jarrett Furnish stepped on the scene. He directly asked if I wanted to be saved, but I thought there was no way I could be saved yet. I had so much sin and hate in my life, I needed to fix it first. I needed to change. Mr. Furnish assured me that coming to Jesus was the first step.

“If you know you want this, then why not?” he challenged me.

I prayed with Mr. Furnish and asked God to enter my life. While there was no instant transformation, I felt new; like suddenly one burden had been removed and now I can begin to walk.

I started praying and when I prayed things happened. I found comfort, rest, and sometimes sorrow when faced with my sin. I enjoyed my Bible and the more I read the more questions I had; and the more I asked the more answers I got. I was encouraged to be more aware of sin and how to be more like God, which for teenagers can be somewhat difficult. It was slow and awkward but I began to talk about the Lord. I know even today I falter and I am often victim to peer pressure, but the best thing about being at Christian school is that you can always find someone or something to inspire you to turn back to God, repent and try again!

God has loved me at every turn, I see that now. He was in charge of every detail in my story and manufactured uniquely every emotion, tear and laugh I had on the way.

My name is Limpo Mulenga and God has used Amano Christian School to save my soul. I am grateful for all the missionaries/teachers God used as His tools to lead me back to Him. To any others like me, I encourage you to read your Bible. You can listen to what people tell you about God all your life and just nod or scowl like me at first, but you can also read and see Him for yourself. See God’s love, His patience and His grace.
 
I encourage you to be curious and ask about God - to ask Him for an answer, because He will answer. If you think you love Him and you want to be with Him, what’s holding you back?